its one of those nights where i don’t want to do anything i just have this urge to write and write because in that writing is an act of creation which is spectacularly wonderful. it is an act of being and doing all rolled into one. it’s one of those nights. i start writing and i don’t even know what i am writing about and i am afraid that it might trail off into nothingness. there is a sense of desperation here, that some meaning might be found in words.
there comes a point where computer games aren’t fun because there just isn’t any point. actually the main point of playing it is to play with your friends. but if you end up playing solo its just a way to kill time… which is what i do a lot in hall. kill time by killing things online. how sadly ironic that in doing that, i am literally killing my time by not making use of it in any constructive fashion. once again this is a very sad post because i am aware of all this, yet i am also aware that i am going to continue playing computer games. is there something horrible about this which you might be able to grasp? maybe a sense of inevitability and a void of things… nothing is going to happen anyway. either that or maybe we’re all scared that something might actually happen. maybe i’m just scared and hence i’m making generalizations in order to make myself feel better. maybe i’m making this up. maybe i’m not. maybe all these maybes are just to add layers and layers of meaning in order to construct a multilayered text that will confound you and bring you some enjoyment in decoding it. maybe behind that is still some sort of message that i’m not even consciously aware of. oh! the power of a maybe. the could have been, the might be.
basketball is very fun but i can’t find anyone on the court downstairs. there’s nobody to play with. at least the times that i go down. there’s only secondary school kids and i don’t want to play with them because it means i’ll have to play nice. i don’t like playing nice when i’m playing ball… its gotta be you know, competitive. a test. a battle. therein lies the fun. the proving… and the flash and razzle dazzle and the thrill of trying something you don’t know whether you can do and then pulling it off. basketball is a game of breaking limits. and you can lose yourself in the game… that’s why playing sports is great. because you can lose yourself it in. the world becomes you and the court and the ball. it is wonderful. i am waiting for people to come to the court so that it will be wonderful.
sometimes i think about the future and then i realize you know what, there’s not much point planning and thinking about the future because nothing ever turns out the way you intend it to, or the way you plan it to. humanity is just limited in that way, and in a strange way that is what makes mortality precious, because you never know what’s going to happen and so you can live life. imagine if you were prescient or you knew what was going to happen. what would be the point of life? Dr. Manhattan in Watchmen absolutely sums up that problem. i’d rather be flawed and human than perfect and superhuman. i mean, with regards to the future and knowledge and suchlike. keep your omniscience… i don’t want it. but of course it sucks when things don’t go your way. then you start thinking about maybes and maynots and months of May.
the NBA season is shaping into its final stages… the conference finals are here and then the season is going to end and something wonderful will be gone for the year. noooo! well the Heat are going to win it again, and the world’s best player will cement his legacy with back to back championships and back to back MVPs and back to back finals MVPs… it must be good to be lebron james. but i respect him because he tries to maximize the incredible talent that he has been blessed with. the great ones work at their craft… even though they are at the top of their profession. that is incredible. i do believe if lebron wanted to he could average 10 rebounds a game. ha!
life… goes on. it always does.