sometimes when i don’t feel like doing anything and i don’t feel like i have anything worth saying, or commenting on, or i find i have trouble expressing myself… i write anyway. i don’t even know what i’m going to talk about.
maybe i’ll talk about something that has been weighing on my mind. floorball.
last year i played floorball for hall. it was the first time in my life that i’ve been part of a sports team – whole of my schooling years in secondary school and jc, i’ve never been part of one. yes in BB i was in the adventure quest team but that’s a race, its different. its not a team sport. and i loved what i found in the team – people who will train with me knowing that we need each other to become better, teammates with a common goal and a desire to win, a willingness to lay it out on the court. after training we hang out and eat, we get to know each other, at night after classes at 11pm we go and do secret mountain training. we talk about how we have to improve and how we are going to improve. show each other things we learnt. when we beat RH in the group stage i was jubilant. scoring a goal against RH was the highlight of my entire academic year. it was epic. and then when we lost to TH in the semifinal i was struggling to hold back my tears as the final buzzer sounded. cannot accept that we lost just like that and it was over. and now it’s a new year… and i am determined to not want to experience that same sense of loss. so i have been training and putting in the work and hitting my shots and pushups and squats… and i wonder to myself, is it enough? it’s not, so i do some more. and i try and get people down to do. and it is super heartening to see other people who are improving also. but it’s still not enough. we need to do it together as a team. we need to WANT it as a team. you don’t become great by going for every training. you become great by going early for every training and staying late after every training.
that’s why i don’t get it when people in hall talk about floorball as if we are privileged and get more funding and what not. my question is… why don’t you do something about your own sport? put in the work yourself and everything. i’m not saying that people are not. definitely there are other squads who are also doing the best and trying their best – all these people are kindred spirits. max in touch rug and eric in volleyball and hung yi in basketball… all these captains are constantly pushing their squads and they all exhibit a desire to win. to do something bigger than just getting a trophy. it’s more than that. it’s about fighting and doing your best and coming out with your head held high. it’s knowing that you really did your best. it sounds damn cliche but its true. if you want something, you have to work for it.
i guess that’s why now i am training 6 days a week. do i know it is bad for my body? yes. i do. sometimes i go to class and i dread the stairs because i can feel my hamstrings and quads burning from sprints and box outs and squat hops. sometimes my ankle feels sore and i fear for my ligaments because of all the cuts and jumps and exploding at angles not intended for the human body. my fingers get jammed from stopping balls and lunging for bad passes regardless. not enough sleep because i need to get my reps and i’m just tired. going to class to sleep and submitting work that isn’t of the highest standard. ponning lectures. why? because in the end i don’t want to regret the things i didn’t do. now i’m on the basketball squad and on a 12 man roster… i’m probably going to be no more than the 10th man. the fourth or fifth forward off the bench, undersized, no jumper, just playing defense for a 8 to 10 minute stretch. but that’s enough. because even though i knew that’s going to be my role i don’t think i could live with myself if i didn’t ever get to play the game i love the most in a setting like this. i don’t want to look back one day and say, hey, i should have played ball for hall. but i didn’t. that’s why 6 days a week i train, regardless. pt and skills and drills and training and gym sessions. this is the choice of having no choice.
grades? what grades? yes i know inside me i have expectations of myself. and i know those expectations aren’t normally what people impose on themselves – i am acutely aware of that, but thank you very much (pardon my arrogance here) but i have high standards. because i know what i can do. what i’m capable of. but this semester somehow it has all blended into a stream of words and not paying attention in lecture and simply not caring, resulting in a series of Bs and even a B- at midterms and middle-of-sem-assignments, a result that has generated some concern in me but not enough for me to get myself into gear. maybe it just doesn’t matter that much anymore. despite all the things i say about grades not being important – they still are. there are just more important things in life – people, relationships, family, etc. maybe this is the time where it’s actually happening.
sometimes i wonder if i am taking the right course. there are days when i feel like i’m not enjoying what i do. i’m just getting by on raw talent and being able to smoke the crap out of a lot of essays. getting by on what i have instead of what i put in. and books that i study, i just put aside. they become just textbooks instead of stories and narratives that take on a life of their own. where is the zeal and the excitement that was there? maybe its just difficult… and i can’t relate. but people in class seem to be able to. it’s like meeting a poem, and then everyone in the circle is so excited, and the only question i have is WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THE POEM? WHAT IS THE PURPOSE? here they are talking about how beautiful the words are and how lovingly constructed it is… yeah man, i can see that too. i like language as much as the next person. but what is the MEANING? is that not what is important? yes it is. but sometimes i don’t see it and i wonder why. is it because i am deficient in some way? probably.
what have i been doing the whole morning? it’s 1.11pm and i haven’t done any work at all. played a game of LoL. did my laundry. that’s all. haven’t trained at all, haven’t read anything. this is the point where you say, what are you doing with your time??
well i bought a new shoe. it is very nice and very comfortable. the new adipure 360… fell in love with it when i saw it and bought it. here it is.
except i couldn’t find a pair of court shoes. my current pair is a red and black perdito which is last last season’s model. this season… all the court shoes are too low cut. for someone with gg ankles like me that’s a disaster in the making. not acceptable.
mmm. losing steam. i guess there’s more stuff for another time… now to read on defense and housing policies in singapore.